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[09 Jan 2004|03:07am] |
Congratulations
Nothing in my life before has pushed me this close
The abuse I suffered at the hands of a psychotic step brother
Wasn’t enough to make me want to do it
The rejection of the first girl I could ever say I loved
Or the myriad of women that came after
None of that could get me driving 110 eastbound
With the headlights off
God himself, stacking the deck against me,
Giving me someone who loved me
And then making her not
Got me close, but not nearly where I am tonight
I hope you are proud of yourselves
That it was all worth it
That months of lying to me, blatantly or through omission
Gave you joy to replace what I could have been in your lives
But tonight, eli dies, and thejew dies
And you may see me
But you don’t get to pretend you recognize me
Because after tonight im not the same person
You took something from me that I should have lost 20 years ago
Innocence, and trust in the people who are supposed to care the most.
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| HAHAHAHAHA |
[08 Jan 2004|04:44pm] |
Well, my laptop is selling on ebay tomorrow, and i decide that i found what i want, with 6 days left i doubt i will win, but how cool is this?
EDIT
HOLY SHIT
i just read a user review of this thing, check it:
"Press the demo button and a very 80s smooth-pop version of Wham's "Last Christmas" plays. HOW FREAKING GREAT IS THAT?!!!"
ha ha ha ha ha ha im in love, with a keytar
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[08 Jan 2004|04:23pm] |
I know i am setting myself up here, this taken from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jupiterfaerie
What song, if any, reminds you of me?
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| bedtime inspiration redux |
[07 Jan 2004|11:08pm] |
I wish i had never met you
if only so the pain i feel would never have happened
when we and the world were just a bit older
things would be better if we had never known one another
and although some small joys you have brought me would have never come to pass
in the end it would be ok
trapped in a mall fighting zombies, like a movie made by George Romero
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[07 Jan 2004|04:28pm] |
if i dont have a drink soon i think i might die...
is that possible, that not drinking is somehow worse for me than the drinking was?
i feel like i havent slept in a week, even though i have been getting 6-8 hours a night. nothing feels real,
maybe my brain functions better with the alcohol...
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| bedtime inspiration |
[06 Jan 2004|11:24pm] |
I wish i had never met you
if only so i might meet you later
when we and the world were just a bit older
then things may have been different
and although there would of course be problems
in the end it would be ok
like a movie starring John Cusack
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| I can say that you're losing me |
[04 Jan 2004|11:56pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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vnv nation - Epicenter.mp3 |
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i almost stopped and bought a bottle whiskey on my way home tonight...
I spent today sort of running errands while waiting for people to call me to hang out or catch a ride somewhere. none of that happened.
At some point i started having a terrible anxiety attack, i am still trying to figure out what the cause could be, but im working on that. i still feel all super edgy and i dont know how well i am going to sleep.
While hanging out at heavenside and looking at pictures of parties i shoulda/coulda/woulda been at, i started thinking about the last chuck of my life, trying to decide what the point was.
I spent almost 3 years with nance, over 2 of them living with her. all i have left of that is this shit feeling that i will never be successful at anything. It makes sense, in retrospect, that i fucked that up. See, i dont think my family line really deserves to go on another generation. I'm a fluke as it is, considering how many times my mom was supposed to die before i was born. i can count at least four without thinking about it. I feel like the butt of some universal joke.
Trying to figure out how things would be if i had, for example, gone to netan9el's birthday party in 2002 which i was somehow invited to, or any number of other events that could have changed things so much. how many times was i told i should go to Insomnia in the time it was open? How many chances was i given to walk out of the door of the house we shared and never look back. How many times did she double check that moving in together was really what i wanted, giving me a chance to back out. Where could i be right now if i had stuck it out the few more months at Best Buy until the people that were driving me insane were fired?
What would my life be like if i had made the right choices?
If i hadnt moved in to this apartment, if i had gotten some super cheap shit hole, i dont think i would be here. Moving in to this place set off such a chain of coincidence that now i feel responsible for my mother and for friends i didnt even have this time last year. I want to leave, i want to get out, but i cant, because theres to much to leave behind.
If you have a tumor which is going to kill you its a pretty simple choice, get it taken out if possible. what do you do when its your right arm and half your soul thats killing you?
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[04 Jan 2004|04:25pm] |
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ohhh
anxiety is rising. nothing specific yet but i have a bad feeling about something today, and, well, some of you know part of the strange anxiety stuff going on lately, i hope everyone is alright.
( Read more... )
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| a 9 letter word that starts with B can sure fuck things up |
[04 Jan 2004|05:05am] |
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mood |
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Long night that started short.
Tonight was going to involve hanging with Don, tom, and maybe his daughter, as well as others possibly and watching Cowboy Bebop. Like so many plans this one never came to pass. Tom hung out for a while, we ate chinese food and watched football, Don hung out for a bit, then they both left and i left the house to drop off my laptop at Keary's since he said he would ebay it for me.
After leaving Kearys i met up with Tom at Free Radicals because he had never been and i wanted to buy some more cool shit. after that we were heading towards our individual homes when he signaled me to pull over because he had a brilliant idea to go to Anodyne.
On the walk from the parking area to the bar i commented that it would be interesting to see who i know there from the clientlogic days. i then told him the short story of 2nd base. well, walking through the bar i saw the Vegans and their friends playing pool, so we joined them. I also finally met face to face the ex BF of 2nd base. of course, to make things more interesting while flirting with the vegans 2nd base herself shows up, and things get a bit awkward with me, not knowing if he knows anything about she and i.
Everything ended well, with us hanging at the vegan's apartment and listening to some good music.
all in all a good night for non alcoholic eli. as of right about now its 2 full weeks. woopy!
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| Why i was so bored |
[03 Jan 2004|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 content |
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ok, so i got out of bed at noonish today and called work to see how busy it was. it wasnt, at all, so i told them i would be in at 4 instead of 2 to save on the budget.
at 3:50 i walk in, clock in and am walking towards the front and run into the closing manager for the day, who asks why i am there. i explain that there are 2 of us closing and why i am in at 4. she says "oh, its still really slow and your other closer is here, you can just go home"
so i worked a 15 minute work day.
Also, i was wired a lot of the day, likely do to the lack of depressants in my system and the piles upon piles of stimulants i put into my body at the club. i drank more redbull than i have in about 3 months i think.
anyway, today was a good day, photoshopped, talked to neat people, got a compliment from a girl by way of an insult against someone else. good times.
bed now though.
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[02 Jan 2004|08:00pm] |
I SWEAR until something interesting happens tonight this sort of thing will just keep happening
( Read more... )
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[02 Jan 2004|07:10pm] |
someone should call me and make me do something, im all wired and more of this wont be good for anyone...
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| Thursdays |
[02 Jan 2004|03:28am] |
Well shit.
I am having a hard time talking about tonight. i tried to explain what happened to someone over the phone, and it just came out all wonky.
I got there, carlos caught me at the door and guested me in, which was rad. I then drank a couple of red bulls, minus the usual vodka. And OH the dancing.
The floor was strangely slippery, so dancing in the normal fasion was trecherous, but do-able(like me, see last entry). Spent some time having interesting conversations with people proneto that sort of thing. some of the folks i wanted to talk to left early, but there is a silver lining, them not being there left the rest of the evening open to talk to new and exciting people. Chatting and dancing with people who i had met, and i suppose chatted with before was nice. Even though the 2 new people i met know many of my current group of friends, just getting to know new people gives me hope that this town isnt as dead ended as i once thought.
of course i mean no disrespect to the friends i already have, but meeting people who are fairly outside the social dynamics that were slowly killing me brings a smile to my face and warms the frozen rock that is my heart.
I wonder if i should put a cut in, because i am going to keep talking...nah.
On the topic of dancing...
For the longest time i would dance because i wanted to, but i was always drunk or on SOMEthing, or really really angry. in fact, the first time i took to one of the boxes was because i was in emotional turmoil and wanted to burn it off in the face of the person who caused it. sometimes i would dance to try and impress a girl, which is silly because me dancing wouldnt impress a drunk chimp.
Tonight, for the first time in what i would almost call forever, i danced because i was happy and it was fun.
Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose...
While these wors may be true, i think that the freedom i am currently feeling isnt a nothing left to lose kind of thing. perhaps liberation would be a better word, and not even liberated from anyone else, but liberated from the part of me that seeks out situations that will go bad for me.
fuck, falling asleep here, more tomorrow maybe.
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| hmm |
[01 Jan 2004|02:06pm] |
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| New year |
[01 Jan 2004|01:47am] |
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none of you out there in the murky world got me this last year. it came pretty damn close a few times, but i survived 2003 the same way i survived and lived past 23, just barely...
No resolutions this year, i find them to be a really easy way to disappoint yourself, and really there is enough in the world to be disappointed by, you should only save pity for yourself.
went to a nice low key party. i was glad to go, because there were people there who i dont talk to nearly enough and i got to have a few long talks with them.
so yeah, now i need to start putting 04 at the ends of things, thats really the only change i feel, i have had many people tell me that next year will be better, and next year is now this year, and all i can hope for is that things dont get worse.
i suppose there is a sort of resolution being made in my head right now, besides the not drinking thing, which is more of a self preservation thing than a resolution. I realize now, that although i am in hell, it is a hell of my own making. right now i am taking responsibility for all the bullshit in my life.
So, now i know the problem, a solution should be forthcoming. there are 2 i am looking into at the moment, both of which will be in semi effect by the end of january, we will see how that goes. until then, a retrospective look at 2003 in the form of many blanket statements. will they be vague, of course.
( Read more... )
Happy new year everyone, i hope the next 12 months out shine the previous.
some of you i like, some i love, some i only barely know. some of you may not even read this since it has been so long already...
work in 7 hours, so i should sleep
( Cohen )
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| New Years Eve |
[31 Dec 2003|07:30pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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lets roll back the clock and look at new years eves gone by...
2002/2003
Half blind due to a mystery illness a slightly younger Elijah was unable to do anything really ultra hip and stayed home watching movies with friends he hardly sees anymore.
2001/2002
Eli and his then GF go to a good friends house for new years eve, only to leave before midnight and get in a huge argument on the drive home because Eli said "I knew something like this would happen if we went there again THIS year"
2000/2001
The first time E and his GF went to a close friends house for new years eve. this party went downhill when the GF in question was out driving around with a very drunk doctor many of us know looking for a girl named megan who many of us know (biblically). she was therefore not there when the clock hit 12, this led to Massive Elijah Intoxication (or MEI, a syndrome that has been known to cause many friendship fractures). This was also the last time eli struck anyone out of anger, and also led to the kitchen at the house to be painted red, bedcause blood sets into white paint if you dont clean it for a couple of hours.
1999/2000
I honestly dont remember this new years at all, how sad is that?
EARLIER
When i was 15 or 16 i think i had the greatest new years eve experience of my life. Living in NY and working on the dude ranch i was spending the evening in the nightclub at the resort with soem guests who were pretty regular, so i knew them fairly well. I remember i was wearing a thin black turtle neck sweater and black slacks and a pair of israeli combat boots. At some point i walked past the front desk and was told
"OH GOD I'm glad you are here, i have been trying to reach your mom" (my mom at the time was the barn boss and also live on the premesis.
"Well" replied I, being young but also a smart ass, "It IS new years eve, they went out, whats up?"
"The horses got loose and are running around..."
This is where the Eli the Wrangler kicked in and before the moron at the desk finished her moronic sentance i was outside. without a jacket in fairl formal attire, in a foot of snow. This was likely one of those experiences that cant be topped in life. It was snowing, i was dressed completely wrong for the weather, and then i saw 4 horses just running through the snow in a group, turning in unison and bucking like mad. it was like they knew it was new years eve and they were celebrating.
When i got close enough to catch them they calmed down, breathing almost as heavily as i was, steam rising off their backs. it was just amazing.
I need a new years to be that memorable again, and not because i busted someone in the face...
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[31 Dec 2003|12:28am] |
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not drinking is harder than it sounds.
10 days now without a drink. and it feels like forever. when i get pissed off i just think about how much easier things would be, how it would all be ok if i had a few beers in me, or a couple of shots. tonight was the worst its been so far, but each night i feel it coming on.
10 days...
i moved into my apartment in June. i think the longest i was sober since i moved in was about 10 days. now i know why i bought that beer at the pulse a few months back, because its so easy to do. I just want to get totally trashed and pass out in bed, wake up hating life and go to work sweating alcohol. whats so wrong with that?
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| Bleh |
[30 Dec 2003|06:41pm] |
Well, even the glory that is photoshop has not fully removed the funk that hangs like acrid smoke over my life of late.
( Read more... )
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